The Pulla Pages

Category: Ruminations

  • A College Hustle Culture Rant

    Stop externalizing your hustle culture on to me. Stop documenting your journey to creating a startup, or your day in the lives, or whatever it may be. I don’t want to see it nor do I care for it. Stop making me feel behind or worse off for not grinding away my twenties. Stop fear mongering a potential future techno feudalism as fuel to work a hundred hour weeks building a “industry changing” AI product. Stop telling me to work harder, compare more, and compete. I’m not interested and I don’t want to see that.

                  Everything now a days is a competition to an absurd level. These things we once observed and let go are now internalized as deficiencies on a day to day basis. Earlier this year, we had “looksmaxxers” entering into the mainstream. They made popular the lense of comparing ones looks to others in a direct and abrasive way.  To “mog” and “accend” – to look way better than the rest of the group. Even coming up with rankings to sort their fellow man from just a glance (Chud, LTN, MTN, HTN, Chad lite, Chad…). Women became characterized as enemies with derogatory language entering the mainstream. This isn’t just blatant misogyny spreading, it’s a culture of comparison. To think that comparing the external beauty of others was reserved to models, celebrities, and pageants. Now every teen and young adult is, on a daily basis, aware of their looks and their peers. Uses these terms to rank each other, and pushes ways to improve their rankings.

    You may argue about the magnitude of this and if its really happening, but isn’t it entrenching our cultural zeitgeist enough to throw red flags.

    We have LinkedIn increasingly taking off as a way to flex career and professional accomplishments. Repeatedly, we see innate comparison here and competition laid out directly in a engaging and addicting format. What’s more is social media. What was once a place to post entirely novel, entertaining, and quirky content has quickly devolved into a singular strain of the same slop. The same formats, topics, and irregularities to maximize engagement and minimize actual thought. What makes it different now is that starting a social media or posting content feels less like a creative endeavor and more of another box to tick off on the long list of activities to further one’s career. You see people now promote starting a page as a way to build a personal brand, put your name out there, and help you find opportunities (as well as maximizing money from monetization). It may have been creative and different before but now there’s a prevalence of the same engagement gold repetitive content that dissolves one of the individuality that was supposed to come from posting in the first place. And the reason behind this “sloppification” is inherently a capitalistic one.

    Capitalism breeds inherent competition and comparison. As a worker you will be replaced immediately either by a new technology or worker who is more productive than you. What we’re seeing now is this manifesting itself in different ways. Young adults at the top schools shilling AI study tools, posting the same day in the lifes, and even working at the same prestigious companies.

    Marx has this utopia of us sitting back, relaxing, and being free to pursue different things. “to hunt in the morning, fish in the afternoon, rear cattle in the evening, criticise after dinner.” Sounds like a nice life. I think the inherent fervor behind all this hustle is an innate fear of the future. These students my age probably think that now is the time to work hard to secure their future.  Maybe some of this is fear of a permanent technocratic overclass subjecting those who don’t make it into a life time of serfdom. Maybe it’s a justifiable fear of a recession. It could be imposter syndrome, insecurity, and inadequacy fueling one to take a course of action not necessarily aligned with their inner values and beliefs. But whatever the reason may be, don’t make me feel bad for not pushing as hard as you or working as hard as you. I’m completely fine with the pace of my life and I want nothing to do with yours. I don’t believe in selling my life for a potential future where I have more money than I’d need. Not for a decade, or a year, or a month.

  • Its not real

    The comparisons you make in your mind are not real. Its a thought loop that’s controlling you. Those thoughts and comparisons mean nothing. You’re in a bubble. Forget about what others have and are doing.

    Case in point:

  • Lost Spark

    It’s gone, the embers are cold. The series of life led to a sequence of extinguishment. Only thing left in its wake is the monotony of assignments, exams, and artificial rest.

    I do feel like we’re slipping into this boring monotony that extinguishes us as students. I hope this is just student life but honestly, with how hard adulthood is I wouldn’t be surprised if this gets harder.

    With how easy it is to distract yourself from living I wouldn’t be surprised if people didn’t even realize they have no vitality in their life.

    So here’s a reminder. Put the fucking phone down. Eat in silence. Study undisrupted. Live through the difficult emotions, don’t just numb them. Be creative: read, write, draw, or create. Find your spark by living again.

  • Sisyphus

    At least he had something to do all day. I’m back home for the summer with no plans. It’s very disastrous for me to have nothing to do. At least Sisyphus had to push a boulder up a hill, even if he never made it up there.

  • Dear Blog

    Dear Blog,

    I have not forgotten about you. It’s finals week and I’ve been in crunch mode. In times like these I think about the idea of wartime vs peace time generals.

    Wartime generals have the guts to take massive bold action. They are focused and diligent on solving one problem – the war. The general moves with light speed, often making decisions that are morally reprehensible but there isn’t time to criticize. The peacetime general strategizes and plans. Puts into action plans that are carefully thought out and span years. This general can’t take quick action, is often focused on many things, and acts more morally. Right now I’m a wartime general. I don’t have the luxury of partaking in leisure activities. I need to study and sleep. That’s it. So for the time being this blog is going to be dead. Hope to update you soon.

  • Exploration Into Well-Being

    The next couple blog posts are going to be a dump about everything I know about living a life of fulfillment and increasing one’s Well-Being. These dumps will be on a separate page titled: “Explorations into Well-Being”. Stay Tuned

  • Standardization before Optimization

    I love this phrase. “Standardization before Optimization”. What this means to me is to do things correctly, consistently, and functionally before you move on to doing it perfectly. What does this look like in practice? In my personal life it means exercising consistently first before adding in a routine and supplements. It means meditating consistently first before exploring different variations and teachings of meditation. It means studying consistently first before looking at more optimal techniques. I fall into this optimization trap a lot. Optimize my workout routine whilst I haven’t worked out even semi-routinely in months. Spend time trying to learn different time management techniques when I don’t even have the simplest one set up that I use regularly.

    It’s easy to fall into this trap, that’s because its the ego talking. Telling you that you’re too good. You don’t need to waste your time with the little leagues. That you’re good for the pros. You are not. If you jump to optimizing first then you won’t stick with it. I have never once succeed at something when I did it the optimized and perfect way. That shoddy way that barley counts, that’s what matters. That’s what’s going to push the needle. Why? Because you’ll do it for years, and slowly you’ll do it better.

    Standardize first then optimize.

  • Hope

    Hope. It’s that feeling that the future will be favorable. That sense of comfort knowing whatever you are facing that it will be worked out. Throughout the past couple years, this emotion has gotten me through many many rough times. When I have multiple tests coming my way, when I have an uncertain future, and when my life seems out of my control hope has always been there.

    My two favorite sources to cite for the importance of hope are Viktor Frankl’s Man Search for Meaning and Lil Wayne’s Let it All Work Out.

    Frankl was a Jewish man who was sent to the Auschwitz during the Holocaust . He details his experiences being imprisoned and the observations he’s made in his book, “A Man’s Search for Meaning.” When I first read this two years ago the book resonated with me in a weird way. I wasn’t too interested in his exploration of the meaning of life, morality, and existential analysis. This was because I was scared of facing my own existential dread at the time, I was sixteen. Instead, I focused more on his message of hope and how that was what got him through the horrific pain he endured. He mentions how the hope that he would see his wife again got him through many days he felt like giving up. This resonated with me because I was going through a tough time then. I wasn’t doing well socially or academically in school, was going through the same cycle of bad habits, and felt like I was losing hope for what my future would be. This book was one of the core reasons I continue to keep hope in my heart. To make sure I don’t lose it and to always emphasize that whatever problems I’m facing I can get over it.

    The next source I more recently discovered was the song “Let it All Work Out”, by Lil Wayne. A bit jarring I know, to go from Frankl to Wayne. However, this was a song that hit the same heartstrings in me that Frankl did. In this Hip-hop song Wayne, or Carter, details his experiences with stimulants, fatherhood, relationships, success, and mental health struggles. The last act of the song is a narration of his attempted suicide when he was only twelve. A heartbreaking story. He raps, about thinking of himself as a monster, not being able to be happy, and writing a suicide letter. He tries to call his aunt but hung up before he got an answer. No one was around to stop him. He then recalls the moment where he woke up with blood all round him. Recounting this experience in an interview, he talks about his mental health struggles and his road from that. The verse narrating his suicide is immediately followed by the chorus, “Let it all work out.” Wayne here is following up with his wisdom from the present. His past struggles where he lost hope, and where he felt he had to end it all were very real, but after some time those troubles came to pass. To have hope that whatever tests or obstacles one is facing that life has a way to work itself out. That all one needs to know is that it will, and believe that it will be alright. That’s why I love hope. Because it’s often the only thing we can have and its the only thing that can get us through our lowest points.

    Second act of Let it All Work Out – Lil Wayne

    “Tunechi, you a monster
    Looked in the mirror
    But you wasn’t there, I couldn’t find ya
    I’m lookin’ for that big, old smile, full of diamonds
    Instead, I found this letter you ain’t finished writin’
    It read, “I’m sorry for even apologizing”
    I tried, compromising and went kamikaze

    I found my momma’s pistol where she always hide it
    I cry, put it to my head and thought about it
    Nobody was home to stop me, so I called my auntie
    Hung up, then put the gun up to my heart and pondered
    Too much was on my conscience to be smart about it
    Too torn apart about it, I aim where my heart was pounding

    I shot it, and I woke up with blood all around me
    It’s mine, I didn’t die, but as I was dying
    God, came to my side and we talked about it
    He sold me another life and he made a profit/prophet” – Lil Wayne

  • Sherlock Holmes

    I sometimes think about the BBC hit TV show Sherlock Holmes. The first three seasons are some of the most brilliant TV I’ve ever seen. In that show the way Sherlock works is inspiring to me. This is a guy who becomes obsessed with cases, he paces, takes copious amounts of nicotine, and plays the violin. He chews on problems. Then suddenly it clicks. The missing piece comes to him so trivially that it seems random and lucky. It never is though, he consistently solves cases others can’t.

    Some of that is talent and raw intelligence, but some of that is trained. We see later on that Watson picks up some deduction skills. Sherlock had trained him just by working cases with him. It can be deduced that this deep obsessive work is what leads to breakthroughs.

    This is inspiring to me but also scary. I’ve been obsessed with things before, but never to the extent of Sherlock. Can I even reach the points of obsession I’ve been told I need or will I turn away. Can I reach my dreams through obsession or am I not capable of such things? Also, how many people have gone crazy through obsession. Victor Frankenstein was obsessed with creating life, and look what happened to him. Is there a line in the sand? I hope so because I don’t want to be required to be obsessed to be successful and then later watch myself do something abhorrent .

  • Human Connection

    Sometimes I forget just how vital human connection is to one’s wellbeing. Yes, we are social creatures, but it sometimes feels easier to be an anti-social goblin then make the trek to be with others. At the crossroads on what I want to do with my life I know I want a social job. Something that involves being surrounded by people all day doesn’t sound terrifying.

    Being with others has been shown to preserve brain mass as we age, it leads to better well-being, and a sense of fulfillment. Personally, after I certain point I would trade money for deep relationships in a heartbeat. Being successful to me isn’t about money it’s how you are doing socially. I wish to be vacationing with family and friends. Celebrating New Years with family whom I love. Inviting people over for dinner, on weekdays. This is how I view real success, and I hope to get here very soon.